tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14588280429646606842024-03-13T19:09:47.905-07:00Glovebox.AylinExhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02027694310834863526noreply@blogger.comBlogger25125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1458828042964660684.post-76924532759041852912012-07-30T00:14:00.000-07:002015-03-16T10:42:36.094-07:00First of the year.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0898438); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 24px;">And she ran away. And she walked away. I'm disappointed. I'd like to say disappointed in you, but that isn't the reality. I'm disappointed in the existence of such flaws happening continuously. In loop. In such a boring circle, I cannot seem to grasp how else to view the situation. Just an excruciating sigh. This is happening again. I am used to it. I am insipid. Happy new year. I don't feel any differently. Really, I probably feel worse.</span><br />
<div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0898438); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 24px;">She ran away.</span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0898438); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 24px;">
</span>
<div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0898438); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 24px;">He really wasn't anything special. He was fairly boring. Semi-judgmental. Not the brightest bulb. He just wasn't there.</span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0898438); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 24px;">
</span>
<div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0898438); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 24px;">And he's lovely.</span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0898438); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 24px;">
</span>
<div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0898438); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 24px;">And she's dealing with single pride.</span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0898438); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 24px;">
</span>
<div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0898438); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 24px;">And she wants to know him, not just of him. And she's heard about his underlying personality, and she wants to break through that. Maybe he could break through hers too. And he hides. He hides so well. He tries to be smooth and he tries to not care.</span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0898438); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 24px;">
</span>
<div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0898438); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 24px;">She acts like she doesn't care.</span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0898438); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Helvetica; line-height: 24px;">
<div>
And he's beautiful. Inside and out, he's beautiful. Her forever crush. The perfect structure. The political build. Fluent and vast. Funny with something under the surface. She would love to hear his every thought.</div>
<div>
She thinks that his words are important. She thinks that his mind is wide, yet still comprehensibly cluttered. And he reminds her a lot of herself, in a good way. All of the good things. Maybe some of the bad, too.</div>
<div>
And he's piercing. Electric in every way. So far from touch, but she gets that. She understands. And he's crippled her. She has no idea how to react. And she can't get into his head.<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
And let us return.<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
He's awkward. Geeky in a way, and that's adorable. He was convincing for a while. Where did he go? He's not as needy as before. Now she doesn't know if he is still enamoured, or bored just as much as she is. Maybe he feels a distance, and then distances. And she runs for him. She runs to him. And then she slowly backs away. She realises that she may only want one thing.<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
And let us move forward one.</div>
<div>
He is so interesting. Why are you so interesting? I have no reason to conversate with you, so why do I have the urge? Why do you seem so appealing? "Why" is an easy word to continue a sentence with. I am marked with a slow anticipation, but you never come along. She doesn't worry, but she's wondering what went wrong. Do you have a lack of appreciation, or are you afraid of being alone? You won't be alone. You wouldn't be alone.</div>
<div>
And she carries along.</div>
<div>
Because you're not even that fucking cute. And where are your opinions? You have large eyes, but I cannot see you in the dark.<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
And here you are. Back again. Barely known. Thrown on the track, again. Stranger. Something special in you. Eyes glued. I want your eyes removed. Look, you're a mountain. Maybe you'll let me get under your eyelids. Maybe you'll let me get under your triceps. Maybe I will enter your brain bit by bit. Streaming. I want live view of your thought process, because I think you've got something that I need in the combat.</div>
<div>
But who are you? Do you even know who I am? No one ignores me. And what is this? A contest? To see who can beat it to the prime list? I'll be your number one. I'll be your God damn fun.</div>
<div>
I've got my eyes on you.</div>
<div>
Livid. Happy. Nonchalant and priceless. Living just to have a kiss. Living just to have a tisk.</div>
<div>
Let us push forward.</div>
<div>
You're new. I've got my eyes on you. I stared at you staring. I cared at you caring. You've got that different country key that unlocks the portal to my being. If you, then something new. Connection. I feel your hands. I feel your stance. Finally, a boy who can dance. You've got wide eyes and I can see my reflection. Make another inspection -- I can see our reflection. Twisted until I bend.</div>
<div>
I'm spent. Will I ever see you again? Can I get a break now and then? You're beautiful. Trust me. You're just what I need. Perfect timing. Don't eat again until you say that you like me. Your words, they come at me like lightning. That voice, your tone is so enchanting. That accent -- you understand quite likely.</div>
<div>
Carry me on as the whisper that you'd want in my ear. Carry me on as your voice flies over the music and into my ear. The over dramatic accretion, don't let me become a missed connection.</div>
</span>AylinExhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02027694310834863526noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1458828042964660684.post-33536572852176091882012-01-08T19:48:00.000-08:002012-01-09T00:14:17.417-08:00Unf..<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />And sometimes Medusa chokes herself. As the many snakes accidentally entangle around her throat, she is strangled.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.AylinExhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02027694310834863526noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1458828042964660684.post-25043625584454619622011-12-08T22:51:00.000-08:002011-12-09T01:55:55.618-08:00Monster in the room.I always dislike this time in life.<br /><br />So many doors and decisions.<br />I'm not very good at opening things.<br /><br />I'm not very good at waiting, either.<br />I actually very much dislike waiting.<br /><br />And I don't know what to think when I wait.<br />Especially when I'm waiting for people, and responses.<br />How I should feel.<br />How should I feel?<br /><br />I'm done with where I am, and I just feel stuck.<br />But I'm not stuck. I could leave whenever.<br />I have just recently realised how I am not tied down anymore.<br />I'm not tied down to this area anymore, for any reason.<br />I like that feeling.<br />The feeling of relief.<br /><br />I have an entirely new inspiration.<br />I love that feeling.<br />The feeling of inspiration.<br />It's like a renewal.<br /><br /><br />I've been meeting the best people as of late.<br /><br /><br />Repetitive word of the day: "Feeling."<br /><br /><br />I have so many painting/drawing/photography/graphic/videography/knitting ideas.<br />I am going to be up all night.<br />Thankfully not just because of Netflix.<br /><br /><br />I <i>really</i> need to get out to a club.<br />Dancing.Sweat.People.<br /><br /><br />I really tend to hate that I can't plan anything, and that I can't fully know what is going on...<br />but at the same time, I feel as if things went my way, then my spontaneity would disappear.<br />I enjoy my spontaneity.<br /><br />I just wish that human beings were straight up.<br />I wish that I were straight up.<br />If only I could say most of the things that I am thinking.<br />Most of the things that I am feeling.<br />Life would probably be a bit more solid that way.<br /><br />"What if Jesus died in an abortion?"<br />"Well, then, he would have died for our sins...sooner."<br /><br /><br />It's like an illusion,<br />That taste.<br />That smell.<br />That understanding,<br />can I believe it?<br />Those questions.<br />That possibility.<br />Am I coherent?<br />Am I observant?<br />Can I see the perseverance?<br />Am I like that?<br />And if it's honest,<br />If it's not for show,<br />Can I control it?<br />Should it be under patrol?<br />And if this fate exists,<br />Why can I resist?<br />I don't believe it.<br />And it's conscious,<br />With a conscience.<br />Am I the only one in fear of progress?<br />The timing is priceless,<br />Inevitably to happen,<br />But is life not to laugh at?<br />Or am I not to be forgotten?<br />And this existence,<br />What persistence,<br />I've only followed one restriction:<br />Not to feel.<br />For someone,<br />Or something.<br />Not to feel.<br />And if that is broken,<br />How can I be awoken?<br />How can I tell?<br />How do you know?<br />And if it's not just for show,<br />Will you just go,<br />Or take me with you,<br />Under your bow.<br />That aura,<br />That glow.<br />Fused into my skull,<br />Burned into my retina,<br />I don't want you to go.<br /><br /><br /><br />I am so strange.<br /><br /><br /><br />Life as a cat would be awesome.<br /><br /><br /><br />For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />I really feel like being submerged in water right now.<br /><br />And I'm sure that you look beautiful all wet.<br /><br /><br /><br />I have been majorly stressed as of late.<br />It's this area, I swear.<br />My sleeping schedule is fucked. My skin is fucked. My eating habits are fucked. My entire thought process is fucked.<br />I need to leave.<br /><br />And I miss all of the people who I used to talk to on a daily basis. Those people are great.<br />Of course, the new people who I speak to on a daily basis are great, but it's just nostalgia spouting.<div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>I am in a constant.<br />I would really like to find <i>x</i>, while considering the possibility that I need to find <i>y</i> first.<br /><br />I need to start posting more often. There is entirely far too much in my cerebrum to type in one post.today.<br /><br /><br /><br />I'm going to sketch ideas out and watch stand-up.<br />Because that is all I feel like.<br /></div>AylinExhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02027694310834863526noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1458828042964660684.post-80496183046585799862011-10-30T22:31:00.000-07:002011-10-30T23:22:33.829-07:00You can't look at me like that.And I hate the way that you speak.<br /><br /><br />"Why do girl names always bring you to porn sites?"<br /><br /><br />Allow me to lose my personality. Allow me to introduce myself.<br /><br />Illustrious. I am an illusion. Intelligent by every respect, unqualified by age. Gated in an encampment within a time period when education is paid for by erroneous old men who would rather see a strip tease than be home with his wife and family. Created by inequality and a lack of a condom, I am what you do not see. Every strong action of my own is of a path that I did not create. And most of the time I feel tall among men; some of the time, well that's only some of the time. I am guarded and disagree with everyone who believes that doing so is an awful idea. Reasons. There are reasons. I am a person silenced by doubt, fatigue and bitterness. I should not have to feel the sweet graze of history and feel horror. Also, should I not be shamed into telling stories and answering questions. That business is my own.<br /><br />Why do people always want to know?<br /><br /><br /><br />I am a strong person. A lovely person.<br />I disagree with your usage of my belongings. Of my charity.<br />I disagree with your anger.<br />You are only bitter and annoyed because you did not want me to see.<br /><br /><br /><br />Look to your left.<br />Look to your left.<br />Look to your left again.<br />Look to your fucking left.<br /><br />Icy. I.Sea. I see.<br /><br /><br /><br />I push people away for a reason.<br /><br />I am a person of great inquiry. A person with immense intuition. So vast an abundance of foretelling, I have become the optimistic pessimist.<br />Just like the last, I saw. I knew. I knew it. I knew what was going on, what would happen.<br />What did you do? What did you feel? What did you think when you realised I knew? Know.<br /><br />I am an extremely grateful person. Filled with love. Filled with good intentions.<br /><br /><br />Lux. Meaning "enlightened." Meaning "light."<br />I haven't heard a name as good as yours before. You fit so well. You fit so well.<br />Give me time to explain.<br />Being lifted, understanding how and who I am. Being breached of persuasions and manipulations, I have become myself. Who myself is, is for me to decide. I have given myself the abundant power to create my own person. The person who I am meant to be, and in all mannerism, will best provide for myself. A thunder of resilience. Abridged by humanity and its creation for so long, freedom is only a letter away.<br /><br /><br />Step back. Let us look at another.<br /><br />Stop lying to me. Please.<br /><br /><br /><br />Continue on...<br /><br />As I was saying, I have become a bit of a... defense. I have become open to those who wait and impatient to those who cannot. I am blatant and confused, and I frankly will still not settle.<br /><br />I aim for the best.<br /><br /><br />Shiny.New.New.New.<br /><br />Cheers.AylinExhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02027694310834863526noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1458828042964660684.post-6843721325523508582011-08-18T23:42:00.000-07:002011-08-19T01:56:05.181-07:00That would be lovely.I really have nothing fantastic to say. Nothing extravagant, at least. Or rather, nothing that would seem out of the ordinary to any ordinary person.
<br />
<br />But honestly, my life is glorious.
<br />The past few weeks have been relieving. Beautiful. Fulfilling.
<br />
<br />Oh my God. A weight has been lifted.
<br />
<br />Have you ever had one moment in your life that completely 180'd everything? Holy shit.
<br />Words are not enough to describe how great I feel.
<br />And I've actually been eating! You see, I physically cannot eat when I am stressed. I uncontrollably turn into a bitter anorexic girl who stares at food. Today, I had a cookie, a large frozen yogurt (nomz on Culture Shock), a latte (nomz on Gimme), two wraps (nomz on GreenStar), a muffin and a sandwich... and maybe more? That's amazing compared to how I've been.
<br />
<br />It's just brilliant seeing myself happy.
<br />
<br />I've been surrounding myself with amazing people. Old friends and new.
<br />Talk about the new people that I've met. Jesus Christ. These people are awesome.
<br />I think to myself, "Where were these people all along?" And then, I remember how they came around at a perfect time. Even the people who do not seem like they should be significant in my life, they are.
<br />
<br />I love everyone.
<br />
<br />And I am really enjoying going out and doing things by myself. I used to hate doing that.
<br />
<br />I saw a movie today by myself for the first time. I saw "The Trip." It's about two comedians who play themselves and go on a road trip together. They go to restaurants and judge the food, at the same time as being bloody hilarious. Jesus. They are so brilliant. Their relationship kind of reminds me of one of my friendships. I highly recommend this film. It's a British comedy, so I'm sure that it will serve to only a specific taste (haters...), but oh gosh, everyone should see it. Anyone in the Ithaca area, it's playing at Cinemapolis.
<br />Seeing this movie also reminded me of how good life is with the little things. What means the most. And it taught me how to laugh by myself whilst watching a movie. Strangely, I do not believe that I have ever done that before.
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Over the past few weeks, I feel as if I've found myself. You see, right after school finished, I came to a conclusion that I had no idea who I was. I knew how I felt and how I acted, but I just didn't know my actual identity. With various things that have happened, though, after the past month, I clearly am on track. I really enjoy being back to my normal self. I just let things go with the flow. I don't allow too much to get to myself. I just want to live. I only wish to live.
<br />
<br />From awesome parties full of nerdy talk to just studying for countless numbers of hours each day in different cafes and such, wow.
<br />I am in love with who I am right now.
<br />
<br />And right now, I'm trying to figure out what I want to do.
<br />Get a job and stay in Ithaca? Stay with someone somewhere else, get a job, and move to someplace completely random where I know almost no one? Try to snag an internship far away? Go to school next fall?
<br />Oh God, and I want to see your face again soon.
<br />Should I go to school for journalism first and maybe have two college careers? Or should I major in psychology and minor in journalism at the same time? Eegadz. Too much going on and I like it. I like it all.
<br />Oh God, and I want to see your face again soon.
<br />I guess whatever happens, happens.
<br />
<br />
<br />I have one specific idea on my mind, though, that I would enjoy greatly if it just happened somehow. In the universe, that this one thing would work out and make my life special and things. Life is special in general, of course. Life is awesome... but just sayin', this stars-in-the-sky action would make me feel super good.
<br />Oh God, that oh-my-rah-adorable.
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Okaygorandomstatementtime:
<br />You ignore me for a day, and then expect me to be chipper and hang around?
<br />Kbaino. Assholes get nothing.
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />And I wish that you'd just be normal, but I guess that this <span style="font-style: italic;">is</span> you being normal. I just hadn't seen it until the end.
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />I'm kind of worried that I'll end up going back to how I was for almost two years. Though, I then remember how fun my life was and how full life was for myself, and I get very chipper.
<br />I just want one thing to happen soon, and then have a million other great things fall into place.
<br />
<br />That would be lovely.
<br />
<br />
<br />Honestly, I can say it a thousand times, and a thousand times more. I just feel so good about life. I feel so complete, even though I need to get a lot of different things done. I just, wow. Just wow.
<br />
<br />I wish that people would have thought provoking/nerdy/geeky conversations with me more.
<br />Anyone.
<br />
<br />I'm never interested in the same type of talk again and again.
<br />Small talk.
<br />Unless, of course, there is no other talk for a special situation other than small talk.
<br />But the people who continuously say the same boring shit...does anyone else have this problem?
<br />
<br />Lately I've been having FAR more random people talking to me. I don't know if this is because I'm generally more happy now, and therefore more approachable, or if it's because I've been hanging out with myself often. Whatever it is, I like and dislike it. I suppose that it depends on the person and what he/she has to say. For example, today, I got asked by some random wannabe hippies if what was on my face were a labret or ice cream. Why? I have no idea.
<br />
<br />Right now, I'm singing to Sia and just having a great night of doing nothing, besides enjoying myself.
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />I really enjoy life.
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Now I am just hoping that I pass my boards exam and get my license.
<br />
<br />
<br />That would be lovely.
<br />
<br />
<br />And if more rights would just fall into my life.
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />That would be lovely.
<br />AylinExhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02027694310834863526noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1458828042964660684.post-37580442081815758802011-08-11T22:39:00.000-07:002011-08-12T03:31:45.896-07:00And I know that it's not just you.Part I:
<br />
<br />This is an account of my past, present and [possibly] future thoughts, feelings and emotions about my own life. How I feel about events, people and the way that we react.
<br />
<br />Certain areas of this blog may indeed hurt certain feelings, but I promise that the angst is gone. I must only jot the words down so that I can remember my own emotion.
<br />
<br />And how I am okay with it all in the end.
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Is this how you treat your friends?
<br />
<br />I just remembered about how one of my old co-workers shaved her head in my honour after I left. She's so sweet. She has been through so much. Seems so fearful. I hope that she obtains the life that she deserves, completely.
<br />
<br />I've lost fourteen pounds in two months with anorexia! Call to set up your appointment for consultation today and learn how you can lose too!
<br />You know, I really do not enjoy losing weight to a continuous stressful, sinking feeling. On the other hand, though, it's nice to be back to my normal self.
<br />
<br />"Because it has to be so lonely to be the only one that's holy."
<br />
<br />I wrote a very important letter and he didn't even read it. He promised. He promised a lot of things, though.
<br />"If I could make the same mistake again, I wouldn't change a single thing my friend. Turning back the time will do no good, I'd do it all again if I could."
<br />I just don't understand. How can best friends become so detached?
<br />A part of me is saying that I liked you more when I didn't know you well at all.
<br />Another part of me is hoping that you will understand and actually be my best friend again.
<br />I just cannot get over the concept that he didn't read my letter, though. He didn't even try. That hurts. That was quite possibly the most positive letter, too. I'm broken because I didn't want things to get this way. I'm broken because I watched myself fall from him as he didn't care.
<br />And my fall from grace is a continuum.
<br />I do not believe that he has cared in a long time, though.
<br />It's this thing that I have. A pretty face. Once that is obtained, why try?
<br />I just want someone without the mentality of seeing me as something to bring around. Something to keep company. I make people feel alive and new, because I guess that is just what happens (and for some reason, they then become depressed, want to kill themselves and/or take time off of whatever important thing that they are doing at the time; but really, it's not like I mean it). Then, I either do not feel fitting to them, or I do. Wanting to be with the person, or not. Either way, I tend to end up being avoided and alienated. Disrespected.
<br />For once, I want to be romanced. I don't want to feel like a blow-up doll.
<br />And I wonder if there are any other girls who feel that way. Like intimacy does not even exist. I don't want to feel like I'm in a Frat house every time I want that connection. Life gets boring.
<br />Jesus Christ. To me, forms of writing are so very important. Who would not read a letter?! Especially after a break-up. That pissed me off incredibly. That made me take back the entire last chunk of my writing.
<br />
<br />It was my decision. It still bothers me that he just shows no emotion.
<br />In my point of view, it's like he wants nothing. No one. Just vacancy. Or to be disloyal and unfaithful.
<br />That breach of trust just can never be gained back. At least not soon.
<br />And I tried. I tried so hard. For months. There is just nothing left for me to give.
<br />
<br />And I see this all of the time. And it pisses me off. Women who would do anything for the boy that she is with. He does something bloody ridiculous, and we are supposed to look over every harsh action. They are "mistakes." We all make mistakes, yes, but there is another person's love involved. Not to mention the amount of self worth that plummets downward.
<br />
<br />"Here comes the sadness that I miss so much, that lonely aching comes from every touch. I've grown accustomed to the greys and blacks, because they're always coming back."
<br />
<br />A part of me a little while ago felt as this entire relationship try was a waste of time. A bad idea. A mistake in its own. But it's not. I have grown as a person. I have changed my life. Everything is beautiful. And hopefully all of my friendships will thrive, especially the one that seems ruined now.
<br />
<br />And I am honestly okay right now. I am actually far more than okay. I have been living a beautiful life for the past week and a half. I don't have to be the only person who tries anymore. I gave up and chose happiness.
<br />"Pain is a signal that you must change something in your life."
<br />This is what I need right now, because otherwise, I'm going simply mad.
<br />I just wanted things to go back to normal. Instead, I was ignored and forgotten. There's this thing called "absolute bullshit" and it is marked in all over your face.
<br />
<br />I feel beautiful and wanted now. Liberating, yeah. I have decided to flood myself with good people. The people who have been good to me, even despite some minor mishaps.
<br />
<br />My cat Rocky died a few weeks ago. I miss him incredibly. His silly, scratchy meows. His super soft fur being smushed into my face because he headbutts me. Being randomly woken up because a large cat has just jumped onto my legs to cuddle, or is nibbling on my ears at four in the morning for me to get him food. It's like all of my little things have been shut down. I've had him since I was six.
<br />And my mother got two kittens the other day. This makes me happy and furious at the same time. I love the fact that I get to see new life and new minds. I am aggravated that my cat was directly replaced. The most important being to myself. I believe that is disgusting. There are kittens here for all of the wrong reasons. As future "show cats" (UGH), as a replacement, to fill a "void."
<br />A place in my heart is still filled.
<br />
<br />But with my little Rocky passing, I found myself with a whole line-up of revelations. So many aspects of my life. So much that I deserve. So much that I need.
<br />
<br />I'm okay with things not going the way that I plan.
<br />
<br />I have so much to talk about, but it's six in the morning and I haven't slept yet. My insomnia has been skyrocket lately. Maybe I'll post something else in a few days or weeks.
<br />
<br />No grudges. No lies. No aching. Just, life.
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /><span style="font-family: courier new; color: rgb(204, 204, 204);font-family:helvetica;font-size:85%;" >"This song will become the anthem of your underground. You're two floors down getting high in the back room. If I flooded out your house do you think you'd make it out? Or would you burn up before the water filled your lungs? And at your funeral I will sing the requiem."</span>
<br />AylinExhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02027694310834863526noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1458828042964660684.post-20723031086303817932011-01-30T15:23:00.000-08:002011-01-30T17:13:25.632-08:00"F" is for "Furious."I thought that I graduated from high school a while ago. And even then, am I strange to believe that human beings should be competent enough even whilst being <span style="font-style: italic;">in</span> high school to not act like a three year old child?<br /><br />No, I didn't "hook up" with your ex-boyfriend while he was still with you. I'm not into that.<br />No, I didn't "hook up" with your ex-boyfriend while, nor after he was with you. I have no interest in him. Especially not now.<br /><br />I have seriously thought about every single person who I have met within the past year, or so. Saying that I am disgusted by about 70% of them is very easy for myself.<br />You can go ahead and fuck yourself, since no one else will.<br /><br />Fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you too.<br /><br />I really do not comprehend this targeting process that people have always had with me.<br />I will do practically anything for practically anyone. I guess that that act just isn't fucking good enough.<br /><br />You're a douchebag because you said that he had no right to talk about shit that he didn't actually know. That he thought that he knew everything, but he didn't, and that he shouldn't feel as if he does, nor did know anything about any relationship of mine. You're an asshole because you went on to a person's ex-girlfriend and decided to talk shit about me, though you know absolutely nothing.<br />And I knew it. I knew it all along. You are just like any other girl. A piece of shit, rumour hungry, bullshitting fuckface who feeds off of drama and doesn't just let live. "Drama." What a stupid word. I suppose that the form does coincide with the people associated, though. In simple terms, I think that you are stupid.<br /><br />And to the girl who this specific douchebag ruined the day of, I am sorry. I never talked to her about anything, except for our own little circle with some other loser who she still obsesses over. Never would I wish for that act to happen to anyone who is still in pain from any kind of relationship loss. Strangely though, you seem very friendly with each other now. Maybe a mutual jealousy? Who the fuck knows.<br /><br />Interesting. I wonder what else was said.<br /><br />I don't understand how you could have thought that I wouldn't find out.<br />Don't do that pretend bullshit.<br />We aren't playing house.<br /><br />I just cannot understand the douchebaggery that is going on. That has gone on. I suppose that everything will fall.<br /><br />I am really glad that I haven't gotten myself into any actual relationship for the past year and practically a half.<br />I am in constant worry that there is someone so much better out there.<br />Constant worry of not choosing someone right.<br />And I am so young, I understand.<br />I may not have to worry, but I do.<br />I just don't want to end up with a loser.<br />Though, it seems like the only people who are around, who have interest in me, and show that interest, just end up being lame.<br />But maybe that is because I am picky as fuck.<br /><br />Maybe I should just run.<br />Inspired to live.<br />Inspired to give in to the itch. The itch of just leaving, and never telling anyone where I'm going.<br />Where I'll end up.<br />No plans ever.<br />No plans with anyone.<br />Because I end up hating everyone.<br /><br />I make friends and have boys at my feet easily, yet I am never satisfied, because they will all always let me down. At least one mannerism, or another. At least one time.<br /><br />And I cannot explain to you enough how much I hate my inability to have trust in anything.<br /><br />I want one person, I don't care the relation, to just come into my life, and be amazing.<br /><br />No rumours.<br />No ridiculous lies.<br />No water left in dishes.<br />No unhealthy dietary habits.<br />No horrible tastes.<br /><br />And now I am just rambling.<br />I just have so much on my mind right now.<br /><br />I suppose, though, that my inability to trust comes well with human beings. They are so easily untrustworthy. Including myself.<br /><br />You have been so wrong to me.<br />So many of you.<br />I'm not exactly the best person to piss off.<br /><br />I've really only ever had myself, and apparently, that continues.<br />I'm okay with it.<br />I'm not okay that practically everyone I have known does not think that I can even hold my own.<br />It's all I've ever known to do, and people don't even think that I can do that.<br />I'm not dating you because I don't want to, not that I don't want to get "hurt."<br />I'm not a pussy.<br />I don't need someone to "take care" of me.<br />No one does.<br /><br />I just want out.<br /><br />So, anything that you think of me. Anything that you've probably heard. All of that is, simply put, bullshit.<br /><br />And you're probably bullshit too.AylinExhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02027694310834863526noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1458828042964660684.post-31048457708783200672010-11-24T20:27:00.000-08:002010-11-24T21:19:52.087-08:00These words.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0wi2lrs7KSsHAA0rnEH195k3tk88mFVaWtZb1uQ0Rrmezl_SATSRtGp6kWm2dyy_xHedCQC1KYZLsAHipUZwLTzRDyPuUIpDC965rEEmMjVKTE3tV7jVBP3_c1sFoTvuUkdToJ-sO4IQ/s1600/Picture+69.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0wi2lrs7KSsHAA0rnEH195k3tk88mFVaWtZb1uQ0Rrmezl_SATSRtGp6kWm2dyy_xHedCQC1KYZLsAHipUZwLTzRDyPuUIpDC965rEEmMjVKTE3tV7jVBP3_c1sFoTvuUkdToJ-sO4IQ/s320/Picture+69.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5543351464985544322" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Oh God,<br />Not this again.<br />Stripped from hope,<br />Twisted until I bend.<br />Hopeless romanticism,<br />Was never common.<br />The positions,<br />The holds,<br />The chains,<br />Grab your crown.<br />You've won over the dead.<br />This heart has never before been clenched.<br /><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUIT7IUQD7NC9iNDATMZZ8cFF__5lN9TEhFMpjK0IUde6WpDYgHw51rkskJIEg_hZ0K6acISDr3IvLPvzqQbxhm3EHYj9izMhwiF3nf-e1ptzRQ_Pw6LQFbaFaVxBMgjAQuomfRJQ7BnY/s1600/Picture+64.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUIT7IUQD7NC9iNDATMZZ8cFF__5lN9TEhFMpjK0IUde6WpDYgHw51rkskJIEg_hZ0K6acISDr3IvLPvzqQbxhm3EHYj9izMhwiF3nf-e1ptzRQ_Pw6LQFbaFaVxBMgjAQuomfRJQ7BnY/s320/Picture+64.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5543351820469801218" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_78oHwTgiqs2a-JtsGhiy1S1vomolrjAl2ZY-d5cv2n-kOeCpR4jMaJ3F8g-0gevGWDd0CA7SaoHYQNNTMmDO51iLgBwOgBI_NDOPcLsNi2J92dP43JACI5D4xP3RtfzyORd2RdM1P2I/s1600/Picture+89.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_78oHwTgiqs2a-JtsGhiy1S1vomolrjAl2ZY-d5cv2n-kOeCpR4jMaJ3F8g-0gevGWDd0CA7SaoHYQNNTMmDO51iLgBwOgBI_NDOPcLsNi2J92dP43JACI5D4xP3RtfzyORd2RdM1P2I/s320/Picture+89.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5543351307618106738" border="0" /></a><br />I can't fucking stand thinking sometimes.<br />Most of the time.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Whatever this is.<br />I hate and love it.<br /><br /><br /><br />And I am sure that every person will know what I'm saying.<br /><br />They will all understand exactly how I am feeling.<br /><br />But gosh, it's like nothing anyone has ever felt before.<br /><br />It's like Clash of the Titans: Certainty vs. Uncertainty.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />I wish that.<br /><br />I wish that things would just fall into place, without giving me time to second guess myself.<br />Without time to feel unwanted.<br />Without time to feel abandoned.<br />Without time to feel threatened.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />How can I constantly ask myself if I'm saying the right things?<br /><br /><br />I just feel complete ache.<br />So dissembled.<br />So disgusted.<br /><br /><br />Yet I feel beautiful.<br />Well kept.<br />Wanted.<br /><br /><br /><br />Why is there never a balance?<br />This Earth is a flat disk, constantly tilting radically and I have no grip.<br /><br /><br /><br />"I'm always wishing, I'm always wishing too late for things to go my way; it always ends up the same."<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Guess how this post came to be.<br />You will never get it.<br />Never fully comprehend.AylinExhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02027694310834863526noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1458828042964660684.post-50637270012910657012010-11-23T00:47:00.000-08:002010-11-23T01:24:16.162-08:00Clone.I don't know what is causing this insomnia. Maybe it's the constant thought. Maybe it's the light. Maybe it's my ridiculous sleeping schedule as of late. Maybe it's because I'm starving. Maybe it's that latte that I drank around 8:30.<br /><br /><br />No matter what, I don't like it.<br /><br />I feel like getting shit done, but I have nothing to really do that makes sense to do this late... or rather early.<br /><br />I read two long chapters from a book called <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">Without a Net</span>. I still like none of the characters, which means that I still do not enjoy the real people, since they actually do exist. A real life story about living out of a car with three children. But at least the book is good thus far.<br /><br />I wrote some random shit down for my faces collection that I'm going to work on. I'd love to actually incorporate a woman's face, but for some off reason I can never really get it down. How hard is it to draw a doll? Apparently really hard. Unless I go into huge detail, then I can just take two months and plow through a realistic portrait of someone. I'm trying to figure out which moods I would like to convey in charcoal, though. I have what I would assume to be angst, something for what I'd presume to be pride, and I have something written down for wrath. I want to do something for romance, "love," whatever you want to call it. I wrote a poem, but I am fairly shotty at love poems, so I am unaware if it is any good, or not. Maybe some of it is good, and I could just detach certain parts, and add others to make it more... my style. Instead of seeming mushy, I suppose. I am not exactly one to write something positive about romantic interaction, ha.<br />I do want to, though, do my drawings on different kinds of fiber. I've already done one on a regular stretched canvas, but I think that doing one on a paper bag would be awesome. Just anything that I can find, or something. Maybe a piece of wood. Maybe just a large sheet of paper.<br /><br />And I'm writing about stuff that no one cares to read about.<br /><br />Lately I've noticed that a song can just completely change my mood.<br /><br />If I listen to something sad, I become depressed.<br />If I listen to something revealing, I feel open and breathing.<br />If I listen to something lovey dovey, I feel immersed in that "crush" feeling.<br /><br />I don't know if I should just go for the ride of being able to be controlled by lyrics so easily right now, or if I should be a bit wary.<br />Of course music has always had an effect on my general mood, but the act has always been when I was already feeling the way the music conveyed the artists' moods and feelings.<br />Now music has been completely controlling the way that I feel.<br />It's like I am stripped of personality and self control.<br />But maybe this is a sign. A sign that I should not feel like I am in complete control. That I need to just "go for the ride," so to speak. Delight my life with even more spontaneity than I already do.<br /><br />It has been a great break from reality.<br /><br />I want my Third Eye back. Of course, we never lose it, but I mean that I physically want my microdermal back. So badly. I feel so... incomplete.<br /><br />I haven't posted a blog that has completely ran on tangents in a while.<br /><br />I am hoping for an extremely rad 2011.<br /><br />God, I am so fucking hungry.<br /><br />I watched <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">Scott Pilgrim vs. The World </span>tonight. Finally. That was much overdue. I absolutely loved it.<br /><br />My hair grows fast. I can't wait until it starts to curl up all adorable again.<br /><br />I want something really good to happen.<br /><br />I think that this may be a green Christmas. Tonight felt like Spring.<br />And I can't wait for stuffing.<br /><br />I know how I feel right now. I know everything that I need.AylinExhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02027694310834863526noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1458828042964660684.post-19170467049211613772010-11-08T14:18:00.000-08:002010-11-08T15:34:02.050-08:00Mother, Can I Be Pretty Too?<object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/zl6hNj1uOkY?fs=1&hl=en_US"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/zl6hNj1uOkY?fs=1&hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object><br /><br /><br /><br />I am supposed to be a cosmetic prodigy.<br />I am born to be the most beautiful human being that you have ever laid your eyes upon.<br />I must create a painted face.<br />I must have a raw face.<br />I need to make my hair noticeable.<br />I need to make my lips plump.<br />I need to have rosy cheeks and a curvy, yet slim physique.<br /><br />I am supposed to be a confidentiality.<br />Every person wants in.<br />The everyday paparazzi.<br />The everyday rumour.<br />The hearsay of my life, whispered through every hall I pass down.<br />My life, controlled by people who do not know even my name.<br />My rights, ripped away from my body.<br /><br />I am supposed to be an intellectual.<br />How I must yearn for a higher education.<br />I need to be placed in the corporate machine.<br />This is how creators are born.<br />This is how successful people are born.<br />I must step onto the conveyor belt.<br />This is what my family wants.<br />I must take my place in line for debt and embarrassment.<br /><br />I am supposed to be addicted.<br />I am the very definition of sober-lacking.<br />I am the contents of which you journey.<br />A get away, a path to a door from problems, I am.<br />Problems that we do not face.<br />Let go.<br />Substance has our souls.<br />Like babies, we are born addicted.<br />I must shiver from withdrawal.<br />I must cringe to the knowledge of human awareness.<br />This is the only place that I must go.<br />They would never want me to stop the numbing.<br /><br />I am supposed to be Christ.<br />I must worship.<br />Never must I will to go to Hell.<br />I cannot set my own beliefs and goals.<br />I cannot set my own regulations, my own commandments.<br />Never must I believe in anyone else.<br />Love can only go to the beauteous creator.<br />Never will my family ever come first.<br />He gives me all, I never work for myself.<br />I never live for myself, nor anyone else.<br />Only Him.<br /><br />I am.<br />I am.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />With all of this weight, I just cannot fit the slim mold.<br /><br />I will be awake and suffer with my insecurities.<br />I will be my own teacher.<br />I am an architect.<br />I will reach my meaning through my third eye.<br />I will not be replaced.<br />My love is foremost to my life, to my real protectors.<br />I will be loyal to the ones who revive.<br />Happiness is my first calling.<br />I am beautiful, without perfection.<br /><br />You are beautiful.<br />By yourself, you are immaculate.<br />My attention, and everyone else's, you have.<br />You can have a clear mind.<br />You can have fresh air as a release.<br />Our souls.<br />All of our souls, they intermingle.<br />Please.<br />Please see this.<br />You can be alive.<br />You can be alive without all of their opposition.<br />You can be alive without drenched awareness.<br />Please see me.<br />Please seek me.AylinExhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02027694310834863526noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1458828042964660684.post-90281153045900332142010-10-08T11:06:00.000-07:002010-10-08T11:25:46.887-07:00Say my name.Have you ever thought that nothing was real?<br /><br />That every single living being was completely fake in our society's "reality"?<br /><br />How the hypocritical mass of existence is only there to entertain all of the other hypocritical masses?<br /><br />How human beings only look out for themselves?<br /><br />How so many people fit the mold, even if they don't feel as if they themselves fit the mold?<br /><br />Have you ever noticed that the people with any different perspective are shunned?<br /><br />How those people are looked at as awkward and strange?<br /><br />What about noticing how extremely intelligent people are thrown to the curb and stomped by people who are so good at memorizing books and mathematical problems?<br /><br />Did you ever notice the way that popular turns into rubbish, and then turns into popular?<br /><br />How about watching yourself be a stepping stone for others?<br /><br />I guess that I am just full of questions.<br /><br />I have just seen myself as the person who gives others a good time. The person who gives people happiness, but is then just pushed away. I suppose that this is okay for me personally, because I get bored easily, I like to help people, and I honestly can't stand most human interaction. Strange, since I seem so outgoing, is it not?<br /><br />I suppose that this post is only of my thought process and consciousness, which is surely alright.<br /><br />I just want to know why I push the people who I actually am interested in being actual friends with away, and to the point where we never really talk. When we do, it's awkward. I just don't understand why I help people to understand themselves and press them toward what they truly want and love, yet I, myself, happen to create destruction for, well, myself.<br /><br />And this is not saying that everyone who I've strayed away from are people who I have been admiring from afar, because there are people out there who are just no good. But really, I remember certain people and I just cannot understand, even with how self-analytical I am, why I desire to push away from those people, yet be so eagerly attached and pulled to them from a, what might now seem creepy distance. But I promise it's not really at all creepy, just a wish that I had pushed that picnic to happen, or a wish to have not so greatly detached myself from that ever embracing hug that generated true delight from either party, yet I would never show my emotion.<br /><br />I am never satisfied.AylinExhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02027694310834863526noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1458828042964660684.post-37149205544613013972010-09-22T10:43:00.000-07:002010-09-22T10:44:30.454-07:00Now.You are nothing special.<br /><br />You are everything special.<br /><br />We are all beautifully crafted creatures, all out to be what the mold feels is good of us.<br /><br />For us.<br /><br />As scientists try to clone us, try to make us live longer, make us drive faster, make us our own personal tracking devices; we are losing what we are organically.<br /><br />Constantly told to not do this, but instead do that.<br /><br />We're told to eat differently, that we're all corporate scum, that we are all a part of the system.<br /><br />We all should branch. Our own personal Jesus. Create our rules.<br /><br />There are no sins. There are no sins.<br /><br />You own what consumes you. You own even this idea, and it consumes you.<br /><br />An opinionated, illuminated threshold.<br /><br />You can contemplate every single philosophical piece of logic, but you are still a piece of shit.<br /><br />We are all life in the present.<br /><br />Stop thinking about yesterday, or tomorrow. There are no hours. There are no minutes. There is the sun.<br /><br />Go to sleep, then wake the fuck up.<br /><br />We are all terrified that we will miss something. No matter who you are, you are terrified to die. To not exist.<br /><br />Stop talking about how you love make-up. Stop talking about how you hate make-up.<br />Stop talking about how shitty your life is when you made your decisions.<br />Stop talking about living a certain way, and then not doing what you want to live by.<br />Do not take any of this into consideration for your own personal ideals.<br /><br />Make your own fucking belief system.<br /><br />Be the beautiful nothing that society has created.<br /><br />Start a fight, beat yourself up, spread your words through paint across the walls.<br /><br />You've created now your own personal revolution.<br /><br />Don't you dare forget to dance.AylinExhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02027694310834863526noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1458828042964660684.post-91515992043874427492010-09-01T09:42:00.000-07:002010-09-01T10:41:34.453-07:00Billie Jean is not my lover.I was thinking today, just a few hours ago, how I feel as if a lot of people, actually everyone has a pseudo security blanket. I was then intrigued to know which was my own. I toiled in my mind to figure out what keeps myself sane. I have decided that my hair is my security blanket. I create new versions of myself very often. I do not want to ever look the same, because being the same for too long absolutely terrifies me. Change is good. Having shaved my mohawk back in completely with barely any hair on the sides, I feel as if I may just completely get rid of that security blanket. I feel as if I need to take my hair completely off. Yes, that completely scares the shit out of me, and I'd probably cry if I were to do the action. But what if I need it? What if I need to break from being able to completely conceal myself from different varieties of expression and change? I suppose that shaving all of my hair off would in fact be a large change, but the idea would not be the same kind of change that of my initial security blanket problem.<br /><br />Or maybe I just have an extreme sick obsession with destroying something beautiful. So many compliments to my hair, no matter what I do with it. Maybe I just want to strip people of that. Maybe I want to destroy my own ability to create myself anew.<br /><br />Or possibly it's a subconscious spiritual matter. I feel as if I need to go back to how I was created. Completely innocent. Completely naked and irritable. Confused. Back to Earth, instead of within this capitalistic Hell that we all need to fit the mold.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />I need to be pushed into reality.AylinExhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02027694310834863526noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1458828042964660684.post-67244630750868373772010-08-19T09:07:00.000-07:002010-08-19T09:48:38.406-07:00Under the ground.I am the requisite to your dreams.<br />The meaning of life;<br />I am a human unaware.<br />This purpose;<br />I crawl to you,<br />Your footsteps.<br />Grazing my soul,<br />You consume my Earth.<br />I am the requiem to your body.<br />Cold and on the floor,<br />You lay as I converge.<br />The motions,<br />You have none;<br />A recluse from reality,<br />You speak with no meaning,<br />No translation.<br />I am the requisite to your intentions.<br />I abide by rules,<br />Broken and blistered;<br />Your fire,<br />It pours to my body's convenience.<br />Your contempt is lucid,<br />Running away to vast guidance.<br />I will always be alone.AylinExhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02027694310834863526noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1458828042964660684.post-42246021734349848062010-07-22T07:29:00.000-07:002010-07-22T09:28:17.054-07:00Scream at me and say.They're so happy.<br />So completely happy.<br />I'm so fake.<br />Just pretending to be them.<br /><br /><br /><br />I think that I need a nose job. My nose takes up about 75% of my face.<br /><br /><br /><br />I can't be myself around anyone.<br />Everyone will just judge me.<br /><br />Most times I feel like there is not one single other person who fully believes in allowing a person to live his/her life the way that the individual wants to live.<br /><br /><br /><br />Why?<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />The worst blog post to ever be created.AylinExhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02027694310834863526noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1458828042964660684.post-49082201002095559692010-07-01T15:11:00.000-07:002010-07-01T18:08:42.077-07:00Rip your heart out.He doesn't even know what he's saying.<br /><br />He's just talking to be listened to.<br /><br />To be listened to.<br /><br />He's just talking to be listened to.<br /><br />And it's the worst kind.<br /><br />-------------------------------------<br /><br />There is something about "scenes" that I just do not want to be affiliated with.<br />I don't want labels.<br />Why do they make explaining the way that I live my life so easily, though?<br />"Straightedge."<br />"Vegan."<br />"Etc."<br /><br /><br />I feel as if I should talk to someone.<br />I have no one to talk to.<br /><br /><br />If only I could be, a size negative three.<br /><br /><br /><br />I wonder how I would react if there were a virus outbreak in which turned people into zombie-like creatures.<br /><br />I want to go to a beach. Badly. All I want is sand and salt water.<br /><br />I think that Seth is sick.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />All I do is wait.<br />For everything.<br />And everyone.AylinExhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02027694310834863526noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1458828042964660684.post-23105021445454870362010-06-27T11:18:00.000-07:002010-06-27T12:23:30.888-07:00Can't be.You are not real.<br /><br />You are a figment of my imagination.<br /><br />A figment that I have created to pressure me.<br /><br />To push me.<br /><br />To make me actually be me.<br /><br />But you are just a creation.<br /><br />A creation created by me.<br /><br />Only me.<br /><br />But I share you with others.<br /><br />I share you with others.<br /><br />But you are only a figment.<br /><br />A figment made only by me.<br /><br />--<br />I never thought that I would end up this way. Or did I just not think at all?<br /><br />I am swimming through a pool of uncertainty.<br /><br />At least I can be positive.AylinExhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02027694310834863526noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1458828042964660684.post-67125007006937766012010-05-21T07:24:00.000-07:002010-05-21T07:44:11.107-07:00You measure too much of yourself.The very least that you could do would be to please stop barking. You are not going to get what you want.<br /><br />I've come to notice that I change myself often, yet can live off of the same sandwich, same band, same memories, for months.<br /><br />My cat loves paper bags.<br /><br />My baby.<br /><br />Yesterday an old man smiled at me and said good morning. Then the old man turned around to tell me, "You know, you have a very pretty face, but you ruin it with all of those buttons." I smirked and laughed. I do not know if he is wrong, or if I am wrong. The prettiest face: all punctured, cut, and destroyed. The prettiest face: all embellished, genuine, and symmetric.<br /><br />Doing things all by myself is hard. Doing things all by myself will make me a better person. Doing things by myself will lower my confidence. Doing things by myself will make me learn and teach.<br /><br />Give me motivation and a fake personality to graze through. Give me real people to not waste my time on, but to invest my life in.<br /><br />Give me nothing to destroy. Give me everything to re-build.<br /><br />I need to sell stuff, get money, do art, buy tickets, drive places, stop sleeping, get another job, and rent a cute little studio on the Commons.<br /><br />Fuck, I need to get dressed.AylinExhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02027694310834863526noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1458828042964660684.post-50074283792530667262010-03-23T18:51:00.001-07:002010-03-23T19:48:11.790-07:00Bent over the grand piano.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTbQLlOviHbBKynZFFTES9vWKEurVABiekUJndDPBRPD5WrKJMdJ5iMXBvrPgrjpm9hThuep7IBSh0NMsOw0-nsSJ8dXHzWrtua3ZT93MgyGSwRvWWOV2PFcUwlFCBimwY2hr4PpxNhQs/s1600-h/stripe.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTbQLlOviHbBKynZFFTES9vWKEurVABiekUJndDPBRPD5WrKJMdJ5iMXBvrPgrjpm9hThuep7IBSh0NMsOw0-nsSJ8dXHzWrtua3ZT93MgyGSwRvWWOV2PFcUwlFCBimwY2hr4PpxNhQs/s320/stripe.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5452024925196232370" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht6gTFf34I8QNn1KXVyxLiIhYTj4uLGY1nT_iVMb2MQlOrZGYV53atcAz6zuKg8Q1mSM32gwrc-4I3UwNcI24N3AjwZUrRXYNcoMJRDgYrFUD-aP4dwfkoc-zAEkLsMTMvWSwOoAOjy5I/s1600-h/sassy.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht6gTFf34I8QNn1KXVyxLiIhYTj4uLGY1nT_iVMb2MQlOrZGYV53atcAz6zuKg8Q1mSM32gwrc-4I3UwNcI24N3AjwZUrRXYNcoMJRDgYrFUD-aP4dwfkoc-zAEkLsMTMvWSwOoAOjy5I/s320/sassy.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5452024915432937874" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiA6LIycWoP2-VeTZtWgWnTNZStZ-lrEfvoI0Ood_ndaZQMjq2E0uEYsZUbBjhAU8Yj7AXO0Hj5CCKcepaGMj6oNLtCTP0H6Kq6Mk8mNaOhfHmOoDCm3QyRuaUvVQqvj5xQBKi8Y42etDg/s1600-h/lights.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiA6LIycWoP2-VeTZtWgWnTNZStZ-lrEfvoI0Ood_ndaZQMjq2E0uEYsZUbBjhAU8Yj7AXO0Hj5CCKcepaGMj6oNLtCTP0H6Kq6Mk8mNaOhfHmOoDCm3QyRuaUvVQqvj5xQBKi8Y42etDg/s320/lights.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5452024901453375042" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJaZHLDUhiGqSnlEpuuc59fZCHB9gTVX9BR63615j-UJFpYGFdVRXLaPgvf3eRalE_SmBQxdT2QQ5fNVhh5AX5P_1KND0wu5rF4FhoudCKDHvTCx1FvaU4aLMO5rWUxCZfV6KSnfRq9Lw/s1600-h/scream.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJaZHLDUhiGqSnlEpuuc59fZCHB9gTVX9BR63615j-UJFpYGFdVRXLaPgvf3eRalE_SmBQxdT2QQ5fNVhh5AX5P_1KND0wu5rF4FhoudCKDHvTCx1FvaU4aLMO5rWUxCZfV6KSnfRq9Lw/s320/scream.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5452024896221906770" border="0" /></a><br />I am truly in need of some self exploration. My life is grand, beautiful, and I am loving every single minute of it.<br /><br />Your negativity does nothing to my positive mood. Neither do your lies nor your obnoxious outbursts. Stop hating yourself and everyone around you. Start growing up.<br /><br /><br />I'm done with children.<br /><br /><br /><br />I am free.<br /><br />I am thinking about quitting my job and just driving... everywhere. Traveling. Meeting new people. Everywhere. Meeting people who I've been talking with. I need to get out. I don't want to be tied down!<br /><br />I am going to start selling stuff that I make on Etsy. Links and whatnot will come as soon as I set my seller's account up. :]<br /><br />I love cities.<br />I love my city.<br /><br />I am going to be meeting up with a new friend tomorrow after he gets out of class. We're going to have yogurt. I am excited.<br /><br />I'm thinking about seeing a movie by myself. For the first time.<br /><br />I'm getting kind of... tired of all these guys wanting... yeah.<br /><br />GIVE ME SOMETHING REAL.<br />SOMEONE REAL.<br /><br />If anyone could help me out with learning German, that would be awesome. This is a serious goal of mine that I have had for years. Beautiful language.<br /><br />You are the understandable deception, hero.<br /><br />I am going to be setting up my first skin removal very soon. I am happy.<br />I also want to get my first tattoo soon. I just need to find a place that would be willing to tattoo my hand.<br /><br />Apparently I am interesting enough to have pictures taken of me in the city? Huh.<br /><br />I lost the o-ring on my labret. I'm so glad that I'm not good enough to be responded to about this matter. Thanks friend.<br />Oh well. The genuine people shine through!<br /><br />Is anyone as confused as I am?<br />I am so excited to finish starting this life.<br /><br />I'm actually saving money. *applauds self*<br /><br />The more that I feel as if I am becoming comfortable with my physical self, the more I feel fat and ugly.<br />All I can do is laugh at this.<br /><br />Why are people so surprised that I eat fairly healthy at such a young age? Do I look like I should be eating candy bars?<br /><br />Why does everyone that I meet think that I am at least twenty-two? What if I really AM twenty-two?<br />I somewhat wish that I weren't so grown up. That I weren't so grown up by the age of five.<br />The "old spirit" in me does not want to be so... ah.<br /><br />I am loyal. What are you?<br /><br />That one song that makes me sad no matter which kind of mood I begin in.<br /><br />Hopefully the weather gets less rainy. I don't like the rain.<br />Though, I randomly feel like running out into the street, while it's pouring, and screaming.<br />Irony.<br /><br />Your problems are nothing.<br /><br />Missing out on so many shows because I have a job.<br />Driving too much because I have money.<br /><br />Get me.<br /><br />"You. I always love looking at you. You always look different. I never know what you will look like."<br /><br />I'm thinking about colouring a red equal sign into the side of my head where my steps were because I'm bored with my short hair.<br />I can't ever fully enjoy anything that I do with myself.<br /><br />Metric.<br /><br />You look so stupid when you try to be serious. We all know that you don't take anything seriously. Not even yourself.<br /><br />I seriously need to invest in one of those mini HD Flip cameras.<br /><br />I'm trying to figure out different things to do for money.<br />Nude photos and sexual favours are not options.<br /><br />My sleeping pattern sucks... my insomnia either comes back where I go to sleep really late and wake up really early... or I become lazy and go to sleep early and wake up late.<br />Do not want.<br /><br />I hate being ignored.<br /><br />I hate being tired.<br /><br />I hate feeling used.<br /><br />I hate being led on.<br /><br />I hate hating things.<br /><br />This girl is not caring anymore.<br />This girl is free now.<br />This girl is NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND.<br /><br />This girl is not tied down.<br />If you do not want to put in the effort;<br />Neither does this girl.<br /><br />What do I want? Someone spectacular. Something spectacular. Something far away. Someone far away?AylinExhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02027694310834863526noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1458828042964660684.post-82685363523971625522010-02-17T19:14:00.000-08:002010-02-17T20:30:46.538-08:00It's in the way you speak.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaF8ltDiEbtv3o3KzQ6TVTz_2pmk8h4MGChuaG5yRRFc_cn5f8Zm9LAqbsvhGhSYDcxH0R0Qjr-jEnxR9lQJUxhUJvv7hl2tR5oaobtJB5YcXFEYZO8BA4VNuSz56MHHUfDjzYXiCIu4I/s1600-h/mouth.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaF8ltDiEbtv3o3KzQ6TVTz_2pmk8h4MGChuaG5yRRFc_cn5f8Zm9LAqbsvhGhSYDcxH0R0Qjr-jEnxR9lQJUxhUJvv7hl2tR5oaobtJB5YcXFEYZO8BA4VNuSz56MHHUfDjzYXiCIu4I/s320/mouth.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5439436215359307698" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjulaHvk_AIrz5HpgwgzmFD-9IqxAIdob1NuGeGKzlanGNkiOi8iG_aPbSCOmpfH5sZ1wbpPhumQsG6l42yaWqsmUHJfN_ICGeKl1zkd87GNyM1ZiFFAq7Bk53i2xnemBVLVsqIXqNid60/s1600-h/Blood.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjulaHvk_AIrz5HpgwgzmFD-9IqxAIdob1NuGeGKzlanGNkiOi8iG_aPbSCOmpfH5sZ1wbpPhumQsG6l42yaWqsmUHJfN_ICGeKl1zkd87GNyM1ZiFFAq7Bk53i2xnemBVLVsqIXqNid60/s320/Blood.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5439436210433342194" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0tkC6tjF6o1Dp7M5Sa2KsZSqbkjxX4XjhjKVHzfNigi400XtzM2BM-wvU2mr74ItmPSCpcwwrYk9Zj6iGBAF_-cojDlHzsmqcDMUeZcHKzEUVHvWu2jsoaACE5A9rWh6HJkJPMD_D5_k/s1600-h/band.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0tkC6tjF6o1Dp7M5Sa2KsZSqbkjxX4XjhjKVHzfNigi400XtzM2BM-wvU2mr74ItmPSCpcwwrYk9Zj6iGBAF_-cojDlHzsmqcDMUeZcHKzEUVHvWu2jsoaACE5A9rWh6HJkJPMD_D5_k/s320/band.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5439436202964378754" border="0" /></a><br />Beautiful people are judgmental assholes, right? That is just me being beautiful? She's a kidder.<br /><br />Ah, women were talking about their faces today on Tyra, and how they hate them. A feeling I've come across much more than once. Some girl said that she would sometimes skip dinner in hopes to get her cheeks thinner. The horrible thing about this is that these girls were eleven, twelve, one was even nine. What is worse, I think, is that understanding that these issues start very early has <span style="font-style: italic;">just</span> come to view... oh, the remembrance of being a child and not liking anything about oneself. Oh well, I suppose. At least it is coming out now!<br /><br />Romance is so ridiculously confusing. Why can't the right thing happen for me, at the right time, right now? Haha. Well, what is meant to be will happen, I suppose. Right? Right?<br /><br />I'm not going to lie. I'm enjoying this one boy very greatly as of late. If I were to make a list of what I would want in a person, he would be 100%. I swear.<br /><br />Let us see where fate takes this.<br /><br />Is that cute?<br /><br />"I will sing your cruelty to the rocks and mountains!"<br /><br />You know, I was thinking about death and whatnot the other day (morbid, I know), and truly I feel as if I will take the sense of a euphoric life after so that death does not seem so tragic and fearful.<br /><br />I have so much to do. I do not even know where to begin.<br />I seriously just want to get out of New York... just leave. I feel as if that would actually be the best thing for me. I'm not good with plans, so going without a plan sounds absolutely darling right now.<br /><br />I still have to file my taxes.<br />I still have to sell stuff.<br /><br />And apparently someone wants to take pictures of me? Huh, cool thanks. I get money? I might be really into this, then. xp<br /><br />I've found that I would probably do quite a bit of anything for money. No sexual favours, though. Sorry, but I'm not <span style="font-style: italic;">that</span> easy. HA!<br />I just want to get as much as I can, and just leave. I think that is why I am in such a quest for money as of late.<br /><br />I've been in a huge mood to just put on some great, funky, poppy music and just dance like a crazy person.<br /><br />That's a great idea. Yeah.<br /><br />Man, I can't express how much I cannot stand bad repitition. Seriously. I know what plain yogurt is. Yes, I will point it out... stop saying "Plain yogurt," asshole. -_-<br /><br />I really want to see Alice in Wonderland in 3D IMAX.<br /><br />I think that another road trip is in order.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />I think that I am going to take this step.AylinExhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02027694310834863526noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1458828042964660684.post-1373597741067812782010-01-18T20:20:00.000-08:002010-01-18T21:37:12.383-08:00Fake me.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9F6kymDWkokjvFhWvQjEy58ZaAdxT5hyphenhyphenWfyiAHSD9Kw-U9frfEOiSzdFZX9gxK4BQzEIcwNuJAPS70V4GGm-QEkKe99P_QxPnzBVOkTnZAn9SlR8vZxfcYqtjNKb0d3AJMDvObXPGjL8/s1600-h/stripe1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9F6kymDWkokjvFhWvQjEy58ZaAdxT5hyphenhyphenWfyiAHSD9Kw-U9frfEOiSzdFZX9gxK4BQzEIcwNuJAPS70V4GGm-QEkKe99P_QxPnzBVOkTnZAn9SlR8vZxfcYqtjNKb0d3AJMDvObXPGjL8/s320/stripe1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5428320754724890514" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNro5hjUCn4u8CqPhG8XqpdWVSYSzh-u1e8Et1yL3zx1G0nDBSbB8bEQiWhsH-Y0OX1piIBc6Fs2p4eWt285kBJ3WJzb2_iDssyyqIpNuJgE-sbTaHmoRoWDCYpxRxrGfvqFjHHdc_HWQ/s1600-h/stripe+3.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNro5hjUCn4u8CqPhG8XqpdWVSYSzh-u1e8Et1yL3zx1G0nDBSbB8bEQiWhsH-Y0OX1piIBc6Fs2p4eWt285kBJ3WJzb2_iDssyyqIpNuJgE-sbTaHmoRoWDCYpxRxrGfvqFjHHdc_HWQ/s400/stripe+3.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5428318508396389042" border="0" /></a><br />I feel so detached and alone tonight. Everything that I do and say is wrong to everyone, except for myself. I feel like an asshole, but everything just has to be said. I'm done with people and places, again.<br /><br />I hate how I end romances, and then people don't want to talk to me, they go back to the "norm." I see how everything was just set to make me interested and lure me in like a fish with a worm. I am glad that I saw it all before, though. Before anyone got their hopes up too high. You're a liar.<br /><br />I hate smoking.<br /><br />I think that I am just going to stop caring. I'm just going to stop being one of those people who always gets stepped on, forced upon, and just stop with all of these people who are so inconceivably overrated.<br /><br />I wish that I had girl friends to have little sleepovers with and have conversations of life, love, and drama, because sometimes I just need to be a girl. I think that I may be going insane because I have become so detached from being a "normal" teenager, and detached from being a girl, because I just hate them so much. It all may just seem ridiculous, but this is how I feel.<br /><br />I have so many plans, but I cannot actually plan any of them, because my actual plans never work out. I can only do things that are spur of the moment... nothing happens for me. Nothing actual, at least. I hate how I cannot plan anything! Ever! Agh, it's just <span style="font-style: italic;">that</span> bothersome.<br /><br />Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day, and I have done nothing really to help anything nor anyone. I talked logically in the name of same sex marriage on a diary entry of a friend... that was it... and that is nothing. My day was completely wasted by sleep and tragic realizations that nothing is okay right now... and I don't know why my moods keep going on and off.<br /><br />I definitely am feeling a blog coming up about organised religion and how it's a fucking joke, splurged all over the television and radio. Religion = Cult. Have a nice day, Jesus lovers.<br /><br />Hopefully one way or another I can get my hands on some ten gauge labrets... that'd be mighty nifty. I should tape up my earlobes, since I'm never going to get in between plugs. Inch, here I come.<br /><br />I really just need to dance out all of this bullshit. I want nothing more than to be raving within a large group of people who I do not know.<br /><br />The show last night was really good. I guess that they raised two hundred dollars for Haiti. Good people, good music, good times. I wonder if someone hit my Third Eye in the pit, and that's why it has some weird raised part on the bottom. :/ I love Summer People. Seriously.<br /><br />I'm not tired at all.<br /><br />And I'm angry that these people are happier than me.<br /><br />Ignorance is fucking bliss.<br /><br />At least my hair looks awesome now that I've cut it and bleached a line into it. The upsides are so ridiculously simple.<br /><br />Oh, and I just laughed at this: "<span class="status-body"><span class="actions"></span><span class="entry-content">A new poll found that crying children are the worst airplane passengers. The second worst airplane passengers? Terrorists."</span></span>AylinExhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02027694310834863526noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1458828042964660684.post-10126989935806153712010-01-14T18:50:00.000-08:002010-01-14T19:06:52.579-08:00Think occasionally.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheKzoX3yYEMF3odsJSzd1XIqKwO-bq6B9xbKrkg0FGzn42U7xXBJ2l_whQhHQ6CN3CIc-OIBbr_4epiEsQMOU8eRtefIVQid6FHMkLr7poJxGnFpZrzfkUtC2QH8nSTd488Ood_EgDUyE/s1600-h/happy.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheKzoX3yYEMF3odsJSzd1XIqKwO-bq6B9xbKrkg0FGzn42U7xXBJ2l_whQhHQ6CN3CIc-OIBbr_4epiEsQMOU8eRtefIVQid6FHMkLr7poJxGnFpZrzfkUtC2QH8nSTd488Ood_EgDUyE/s320/happy.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5426797682968578994" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJyX31BcxyNmIfew8mbpba1D-fvjlTYmoOnlFWZe6LT6WClUkyrua94B_hZ1eURYJ30JaWpbQx-XegcXSmGXL0RuU7cExuBqPYmUduryUI7YQ1Z9_jci9iU-0yoWwi2A6HsYImVRGJduk/s1600-h/angel.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJyX31BcxyNmIfew8mbpba1D-fvjlTYmoOnlFWZe6LT6WClUkyrua94B_hZ1eURYJ30JaWpbQx-XegcXSmGXL0RuU7cExuBqPYmUduryUI7YQ1Z9_jci9iU-0yoWwi2A6HsYImVRGJduk/s320/angel.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5426797675775362098" border="0" /></a><br />I feel as if I am beginning to see through my Third Eye in all of its actuality. I believe that I can go forth and do the Third Eye ritual without any hesitation. With love.<br /><br />I am finished with being let down and stepped on. I want to believe in life, and beauty, and hope.<br /><br />I am going to have strict fasting rituals now.<br /><br />I am going to take care of myself.<br /><br />I am thinking about becoming strictly abstinent. I feel as if now I need to clarify myself and tell everyone that I do not "slut" around...<br /><br />I made my first snow angel of the season today. It was invigourating. I had almost forgotten how nice it is to just throw back and wash away any worries, doubts, and sadness with a bit of old fashioned fun.<br /><br />Time for sleep. Yoga in the morning. Fasting on organic orange juice and water tomorrow. It is much very well overdue.AylinExhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02027694310834863526noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1458828042964660684.post-76346632252028155372010-01-07T08:31:00.000-08:002010-01-07T08:58:10.224-08:00Kachow.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqOdkg8crUuq0g6CwfOF1wzMRj4EnvXxtQJsU8kLF6h5SQqsqxVKDZu0IK3_yvg13_FfK9hMJObthpiQ9HiuCN3jlWMJqwuibzws0Lbzjo4JkhsNFHxOadKvuR4fqq4G2ix0BjiYGPACU/s1600-h/Eye..jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqOdkg8crUuq0g6CwfOF1wzMRj4EnvXxtQJsU8kLF6h5SQqsqxVKDZu0IK3_yvg13_FfK9hMJObthpiQ9HiuCN3jlWMJqwuibzws0Lbzjo4JkhsNFHxOadKvuR4fqq4G2ix0BjiYGPACU/s320/Eye..jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5424043209269071282" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOPIdZy1tCQu4OqSkK9Ez1HLD_Gkg_uuRt5qYsF9fMfPIcSCaUQM07IsYlyrIh2RbGyHd0uKXfKFjVsxsTLit4gRuS3RFNpfUMv4EmHPvqBqfvkLDHjcLinO8MQJLhuVIGYJvtGttUZ_w/s1600-h/watch.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOPIdZy1tCQu4OqSkK9Ez1HLD_Gkg_uuRt5qYsF9fMfPIcSCaUQM07IsYlyrIh2RbGyHd0uKXfKFjVsxsTLit4gRuS3RFNpfUMv4EmHPvqBqfvkLDHjcLinO8MQJLhuVIGYJvtGttUZ_w/s320/watch.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5424043202209817730" border="0" /></a><br />I'm going to be bleaching a line in my hair today and I'm shaving back in my equal sign.<br /><br />I think that I don't want to get married until everyone can. It truly quite honestly one hundred percent disgusts me that someone thinks about a gay couple, and all he/she can only think about is sex and religion. "Let's take the 'sex' out of 'homosexuality.'" This movement is about love. This movement is about family. This movement is about the beauty of rights in this country. I am going to be completely blatant with you: just because someone has anal sex with someone else, someone kisses someone of the same sex, someone acts in foreplay with someone of the same sex does not mean that that should disgust someone and it all most certainly does not mean that the marriage is only based because of those reasons. The idea that "God" made marriage only for woman and man is completely irrational and ridiculous. If "God" loves all of his "children," then he would allow such acts to take place and understand that we ALL are different, and with difference comes personality, in which he MUST love. Marriage is a RIGHT. This country is based on revolution, rights, freedoms, nationality, friendship, and should not be only looked upon as depriving its rightful people to their natural rights.<br /><br />I cannot speak for anyone else but my own, but I can most certainly with absolute no regret say that I would be disgusted and ashamed if my country and people had to VOTE on my marriage as a "straight" individual. Heterosexual. There is no beauty nor pride in a "God" nor a "lifestyle" that does not allow all human beings the right to happiness.<br /><br />I'm going to see Dallas Green tomorrow. I have probably mentioned this several times by now. I am an excited bunny.<br /><br />Bring me your love.AylinExhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02027694310834863526noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1458828042964660684.post-8243679669128382182009-12-31T14:01:00.000-08:002009-12-31T17:03:51.309-08:00http://www.myspace.com/margotandthenuclearsoandsos<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWJ1fw_L9IUbexIyvy5inrqO67ShBytn6tl5tSoa3AiszQAOhrozP4E6jD1VKkbjNJtoOLJqjXTiV3h4RsJa9Q2-OBZvrM4UalAfVpo767jbPXViFJFKM0lJFqSQmK8v6djKAEPXLU2Lk/s1600-h/tea.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWJ1fw_L9IUbexIyvy5inrqO67ShBytn6tl5tSoa3AiszQAOhrozP4E6jD1VKkbjNJtoOLJqjXTiV3h4RsJa9Q2-OBZvrM4UalAfVpo767jbPXViFJFKM0lJFqSQmK8v6djKAEPXLU2Lk/s200/tea.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5421570762714784546" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeLSo4bmEc2j3ZerEimwrELIMjqslbsgZzHz7GcCviipwHLrVlfRQO7FgC433Ysag2z01QtF94w7ll5EJhRl63L8Vv1RuYvdP1XaPBUbHZIdfYCZxD2RZCHDytyZUl8DyGNn_c2fLZYGs/s1600-h/lubb.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeLSo4bmEc2j3ZerEimwrELIMjqslbsgZzHz7GcCviipwHLrVlfRQO7FgC433Ysag2z01QtF94w7ll5EJhRl63L8Vv1RuYvdP1XaPBUbHZIdfYCZxD2RZCHDytyZUl8DyGNn_c2fLZYGs/s200/lubb.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5421570761426117106" border="0" /></a><br />Hey there. I love you.<br /><br />I was feeling really weird today, but I'm feeling a whole lot better.<br /><br />I guess that I am now ready to welcome in the new year... get back into a strut. I cannot wait until the heat comes back.<br /><br />"Maybe the man of your dreams is waiting for you." E Harmony is a hack job. I'm sure that there are at least one hundred thousand versions of the "man of my dreams" out there. There can only be one who can actually handle me, though.<br /><br />I need to trim my hair. I'll probably do it myself. I'm thinking about putting blonde in my hair. Yeahyeah.<br /><br />Mmm, carob almond milk. Sweetsweet.<br /><br />I've been in pajamas all day.<br /><br />I'm thinking about either getting a second job, or a completely new job.<br /><br />I'm going to be getting a gym membership. Get this butt in shape. Literally. I'm excited. I got different things to clean my face and moisturise.<br /><br />I'd like to just change my overall appearance for some reason... haha.<br /><br />I felt unwanted earlier.<br /><br />And I'm second guessing my judgments, my wants, my thoughts on people--I'm second guessing who I should let in.<br /><br />I feel like I've been an asshole today.<br /><br />I'm feeling pretty damn good.<br /><br />My New Year's resolution is to not hold grudges and become a better person in general. Better myself, physically and mentally. Yeahyeah.AylinExhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02027694310834863526noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1458828042964660684.post-75856692937076619522009-12-30T23:20:00.000-08:002009-12-30T23:54:55.229-08:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEispo0ShkPlPJkuh30ufzDu6XhXN9j5qcQMuCOQPEC29YDDHImLqW7kdesfuI_ny1Zmxbu9YUEj9wzVl7sVzZlYScLgSY4QBABGtudFiawWm7irfXiNSTc0lnPskrxeS9faEFWcuQmm1RM/s1600-h/collar..jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEispo0ShkPlPJkuh30ufzDu6XhXN9j5qcQMuCOQPEC29YDDHImLqW7kdesfuI_ny1Zmxbu9YUEj9wzVl7sVzZlYScLgSY4QBABGtudFiawWm7irfXiNSTc0lnPskrxeS9faEFWcuQmm1RM/s400/collar..jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5421305506920230546" border="0" /></a><br />I'm too tired to post anything actual right now.AylinExhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02027694310834863526noreply@blogger.com0