Can't be.

You are not real.

You are a figment of my imagination.

A figment that I have created to pressure me.

To push me.

To make me actually be me.

But you are just a creation.

A creation created by me.

Only me.

But I share you with others.

I share you with others.

But you are only a figment.

A figment made only by me.

--
I never thought that I would end up this way. Or did I just not think at all?

I am swimming through a pool of uncertainty.

At least I can be positive.

You measure too much of yourself.

The very least that you could do would be to please stop barking. You are not going to get what you want.

I've come to notice that I change myself often, yet can live off of the same sandwich, same band, same memories, for months.

My cat loves paper bags.

My baby.

Yesterday an old man smiled at me and said good morning. Then the old man turned around to tell me, "You know, you have a very pretty face, but you ruin it with all of those buttons." I smirked and laughed. I do not know if he is wrong, or if I am wrong. The prettiest face: all punctured, cut, and destroyed. The prettiest face: all embellished, genuine, and symmetric.

Doing things all by myself is hard. Doing things all by myself will make me a better person. Doing things by myself will lower my confidence. Doing things by myself will make me learn and teach.

Give me motivation and a fake personality to graze through. Give me real people to not waste my time on, but to invest my life in.

Give me nothing to destroy. Give me everything to re-build.

I need to sell stuff, get money, do art, buy tickets, drive places, stop sleeping, get another job, and rent a cute little studio on the Commons.

Fuck, I need to get dressed.

Bent over the grand piano.

I am truly in need of some self exploration. My life is grand, beautiful, and I am loving every single minute of it.

Your negativity does nothing to my positive mood. Neither do your lies nor your obnoxious outbursts. Stop hating yourself and everyone around you. Start growing up.


I'm done with children.



I am free.

I am thinking about quitting my job and just driving... everywhere. Traveling. Meeting new people. Everywhere. Meeting people who I've been talking with. I need to get out. I don't want to be tied down!

I am going to start selling stuff that I make on Etsy. Links and whatnot will come as soon as I set my seller's account up. :]

I love cities.
I love my city.

I am going to be meeting up with a new friend tomorrow after he gets out of class. We're going to have yogurt. I am excited.

I'm thinking about seeing a movie by myself. For the first time.

I'm getting kind of... tired of all these guys wanting... yeah.

GIVE ME SOMETHING REAL.
SOMEONE REAL.

If anyone could help me out with learning German, that would be awesome. This is a serious goal of mine that I have had for years. Beautiful language.

You are the understandable deception, hero.

I am going to be setting up my first skin removal very soon. I am happy.
I also want to get my first tattoo soon. I just need to find a place that would be willing to tattoo my hand.

Apparently I am interesting enough to have pictures taken of me in the city? Huh.

I lost the o-ring on my labret. I'm so glad that I'm not good enough to be responded to about this matter. Thanks friend.
Oh well. The genuine people shine through!

Is anyone as confused as I am?
I am so excited to finish starting this life.

I'm actually saving money. *applauds self*

The more that I feel as if I am becoming comfortable with my physical self, the more I feel fat and ugly.
All I can do is laugh at this.

Why are people so surprised that I eat fairly healthy at such a young age? Do I look like I should be eating candy bars?

Why does everyone that I meet think that I am at least twenty-two? What if I really AM twenty-two?
I somewhat wish that I weren't so grown up. That I weren't so grown up by the age of five.
The "old spirit" in me does not want to be so... ah.

I am loyal. What are you?

That one song that makes me sad no matter which kind of mood I begin in.

Hopefully the weather gets less rainy. I don't like the rain.
Though, I randomly feel like running out into the street, while it's pouring, and screaming.
Irony.

Your problems are nothing.

Missing out on so many shows because I have a job.
Driving too much because I have money.

Get me.

"You. I always love looking at you. You always look different. I never know what you will look like."

I'm thinking about colouring a red equal sign into the side of my head where my steps were because I'm bored with my short hair.
I can't ever fully enjoy anything that I do with myself.

Metric.

You look so stupid when you try to be serious. We all know that you don't take anything seriously. Not even yourself.

I seriously need to invest in one of those mini HD Flip cameras.

I'm trying to figure out different things to do for money.
Nude photos and sexual favours are not options.

My sleeping pattern sucks... my insomnia either comes back where I go to sleep really late and wake up really early... or I become lazy and go to sleep early and wake up late.
Do not want.

I hate being ignored.

I hate being tired.

I hate feeling used.

I hate being led on.

I hate hating things.

This girl is not caring anymore.
This girl is free now.
This girl is NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

This girl is not tied down.
If you do not want to put in the effort;
Neither does this girl.

What do I want? Someone spectacular. Something spectacular. Something far away. Someone far away?

It's in the way you speak.

Beautiful people are judgmental assholes, right? That is just me being beautiful? She's a kidder.

Ah, women were talking about their faces today on Tyra, and how they hate them. A feeling I've come across much more than once. Some girl said that she would sometimes skip dinner in hopes to get her cheeks thinner. The horrible thing about this is that these girls were eleven, twelve, one was even nine. What is worse, I think, is that understanding that these issues start very early has just come to view... oh, the remembrance of being a child and not liking anything about oneself. Oh well, I suppose. At least it is coming out now!

Romance is so ridiculously confusing. Why can't the right thing happen for me, at the right time, right now? Haha. Well, what is meant to be will happen, I suppose. Right? Right?

I'm not going to lie. I'm enjoying this one boy very greatly as of late. If I were to make a list of what I would want in a person, he would be 100%. I swear.

Let us see where fate takes this.

Is that cute?

"I will sing your cruelty to the rocks and mountains!"

You know, I was thinking about death and whatnot the other day (morbid, I know), and truly I feel as if I will take the sense of a euphoric life after so that death does not seem so tragic and fearful.

I have so much to do. I do not even know where to begin.
I seriously just want to get out of New York... just leave. I feel as if that would actually be the best thing for me. I'm not good with plans, so going without a plan sounds absolutely darling right now.

I still have to file my taxes.
I still have to sell stuff.

And apparently someone wants to take pictures of me? Huh, cool thanks. I get money? I might be really into this, then. xp

I've found that I would probably do quite a bit of anything for money. No sexual favours, though. Sorry, but I'm not that easy. HA!
I just want to get as much as I can, and just leave. I think that is why I am in such a quest for money as of late.

I've been in a huge mood to just put on some great, funky, poppy music and just dance like a crazy person.

That's a great idea. Yeah.

Man, I can't express how much I cannot stand bad repitition. Seriously. I know what plain yogurt is. Yes, I will point it out... stop saying "Plain yogurt," asshole. -_-

I really want to see Alice in Wonderland in 3D IMAX.

I think that another road trip is in order.




I think that I am going to take this step.

Fake me.

I feel so detached and alone tonight. Everything that I do and say is wrong to everyone, except for myself. I feel like an asshole, but everything just has to be said. I'm done with people and places, again.

I hate how I end romances, and then people don't want to talk to me, they go back to the "norm." I see how everything was just set to make me interested and lure me in like a fish with a worm. I am glad that I saw it all before, though. Before anyone got their hopes up too high. You're a liar.

I hate smoking.

I think that I am just going to stop caring. I'm just going to stop being one of those people who always gets stepped on, forced upon, and just stop with all of these people who are so inconceivably overrated.

I wish that I had girl friends to have little sleepovers with and have conversations of life, love, and drama, because sometimes I just need to be a girl. I think that I may be going insane because I have become so detached from being a "normal" teenager, and detached from being a girl, because I just hate them so much. It all may just seem ridiculous, but this is how I feel.

I have so many plans, but I cannot actually plan any of them, because my actual plans never work out. I can only do things that are spur of the moment... nothing happens for me. Nothing actual, at least. I hate how I cannot plan anything! Ever! Agh, it's just that bothersome.

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day, and I have done nothing really to help anything nor anyone. I talked logically in the name of same sex marriage on a diary entry of a friend... that was it... and that is nothing. My day was completely wasted by sleep and tragic realizations that nothing is okay right now... and I don't know why my moods keep going on and off.

I definitely am feeling a blog coming up about organised religion and how it's a fucking joke, splurged all over the television and radio. Religion = Cult. Have a nice day, Jesus lovers.

Hopefully one way or another I can get my hands on some ten gauge labrets... that'd be mighty nifty. I should tape up my earlobes, since I'm never going to get in between plugs. Inch, here I come.

I really just need to dance out all of this bullshit. I want nothing more than to be raving within a large group of people who I do not know.

The show last night was really good. I guess that they raised two hundred dollars for Haiti. Good people, good music, good times. I wonder if someone hit my Third Eye in the pit, and that's why it has some weird raised part on the bottom. :/ I love Summer People. Seriously.

I'm not tired at all.

And I'm angry that these people are happier than me.

Ignorance is fucking bliss.

At least my hair looks awesome now that I've cut it and bleached a line into it. The upsides are so ridiculously simple.

Oh, and I just laughed at this: "A new poll found that crying children are the worst airplane passengers. The second worst airplane passengers? Terrorists."

Think occasionally.

I feel as if I am beginning to see through my Third Eye in all of its actuality. I believe that I can go forth and do the Third Eye ritual without any hesitation. With love.

I am finished with being let down and stepped on. I want to believe in life, and beauty, and hope.

I am going to have strict fasting rituals now.

I am going to take care of myself.

I am thinking about becoming strictly abstinent. I feel as if now I need to clarify myself and tell everyone that I do not "slut" around...

I made my first snow angel of the season today. It was invigourating. I had almost forgotten how nice it is to just throw back and wash away any worries, doubts, and sadness with a bit of old fashioned fun.

Time for sleep. Yoga in the morning. Fasting on organic orange juice and water tomorrow. It is much very well overdue.

Kachow.

I'm going to be bleaching a line in my hair today and I'm shaving back in my equal sign.

I think that I don't want to get married until everyone can. It truly quite honestly one hundred percent disgusts me that someone thinks about a gay couple, and all he/she can only think about is sex and religion. "Let's take the 'sex' out of 'homosexuality.'" This movement is about love. This movement is about family. This movement is about the beauty of rights in this country. I am going to be completely blatant with you: just because someone has anal sex with someone else, someone kisses someone of the same sex, someone acts in foreplay with someone of the same sex does not mean that that should disgust someone and it all most certainly does not mean that the marriage is only based because of those reasons. The idea that "God" made marriage only for woman and man is completely irrational and ridiculous. If "God" loves all of his "children," then he would allow such acts to take place and understand that we ALL are different, and with difference comes personality, in which he MUST love. Marriage is a RIGHT. This country is based on revolution, rights, freedoms, nationality, friendship, and should not be only looked upon as depriving its rightful people to their natural rights.

I cannot speak for anyone else but my own, but I can most certainly with absolute no regret say that I would be disgusted and ashamed if my country and people had to VOTE on my marriage as a "straight" individual. Heterosexual. There is no beauty nor pride in a "God" nor a "lifestyle" that does not allow all human beings the right to happiness.

I'm going to see Dallas Green tomorrow. I have probably mentioned this several times by now. I am an excited bunny.

Bring me your love.