Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Billie Jean is not my lover.

I was thinking today, just a few hours ago, how I feel as if a lot of people, actually everyone has a pseudo security blanket. I was then intrigued to know which was my own. I toiled in my mind to figure out what keeps myself sane. I have decided that my hair is my security blanket. I create new versions of myself very often. I do not want to ever look the same, because being the same for too long absolutely terrifies me. Change is good. Having shaved my mohawk back in completely with barely any hair on the sides, I feel as if I may just completely get rid of that security blanket. I feel as if I need to take my hair completely off. Yes, that completely scares the shit out of me, and I'd probably cry if I were to do the action. But what if I need it? What if I need to break from being able to completely conceal myself from different varieties of expression and change? I suppose that shaving all of my hair off would in fact be a large change, but the idea would not be the same kind of change that of my initial security blanket problem.

Or maybe I just have an extreme sick obsession with destroying something beautiful. So many compliments to my hair, no matter what I do with it. Maybe I just want to strip people of that. Maybe I want to destroy my own ability to create myself anew.

Or possibly it's a subconscious spiritual matter. I feel as if I need to go back to how I was created. Completely innocent. Completely naked and irritable. Confused. Back to Earth, instead of within this capitalistic Hell that we all need to fit the mold.

I need to be pushed into reality.

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