Thursday, December 8, 2011

Monster in the room.

I always dislike this time in life.

So many doors and decisions.
I'm not very good at opening things.

I'm not very good at waiting, either.
I actually very much dislike waiting.

And I don't know what to think when I wait.
Especially when I'm waiting for people, and responses.
How I should feel.
How should I feel?

I'm done with where I am, and I just feel stuck.
But I'm not stuck. I could leave whenever.
I have just recently realised how I am not tied down anymore.
I'm not tied down to this area anymore, for any reason.
I like that feeling.
The feeling of relief.

I have an entirely new inspiration.
I love that feeling.
The feeling of inspiration.
It's like a renewal.

I've been meeting the best people as of late.

Repetitive word of the day: "Feeling."

I have so many painting/drawing/photography/graphic/videography/knitting ideas.
I am going to be up all night.
Thankfully not just because of Netflix.

I really need to get out to a club.

I really tend to hate that I can't plan anything, and that I can't fully know what is going on...
but at the same time, I feel as if things went my way, then my spontaneity would disappear.
I enjoy my spontaneity.

I just wish that human beings were straight up.
I wish that I were straight up.
If only I could say most of the things that I am thinking.
Most of the things that I am feeling.
Life would probably be a bit more solid that way.

"What if Jesus died in an abortion?"
"Well, then, he would have died for our sins...sooner."

It's like an illusion,
That taste.
That smell.
That understanding,
can I believe it?
Those questions.
That possibility.
Am I coherent?
Am I observant?
Can I see the perseverance?
Am I like that?
And if it's honest,
If it's not for show,
Can I control it?
Should it be under patrol?
And if this fate exists,
Why can I resist?
I don't believe it.
And it's conscious,
With a conscience.
Am I the only one in fear of progress?
The timing is priceless,
Inevitably to happen,
But is life not to laugh at?
Or am I not to be forgotten?
And this existence,
What persistence,
I've only followed one restriction:
Not to feel.
For someone,
Or something.
Not to feel.
And if that is broken,
How can I be awoken?
How can I tell?
How do you know?
And if it's not just for show,
Will you just go,
Or take me with you,
Under your bow.
That aura,
That glow.
Fused into my skull,
Burned into my retina,
I don't want you to go.

I am so strange.

Life as a cat would be awesome.

For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.For you.

I really feel like being submerged in water right now.

And I'm sure that you look beautiful all wet.

I have been majorly stressed as of late.
It's this area, I swear.
My sleeping schedule is fucked. My skin is fucked. My eating habits are fucked. My entire thought process is fucked.
I need to leave.

And I miss all of the people who I used to talk to on a daily basis. Those people are great.
Of course, the new people who I speak to on a daily basis are great, but it's just nostalgia spouting.

I am in a constant.
I would really like to find x, while considering the possibility that I need to find y first.

I need to start posting more often. There is entirely far too much in my cerebrum to type in one

I'm going to sketch ideas out and watch stand-up.
Because that is all I feel like.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

You can't look at me like that.

And I hate the way that you speak.

"Why do girl names always bring you to porn sites?"

Allow me to lose my personality. Allow me to introduce myself.

Illustrious. I am an illusion. Intelligent by every respect, unqualified by age. Gated in an encampment within a time period when education is paid for by erroneous old men who would rather see a strip tease than be home with his wife and family. Created by inequality and a lack of a condom, I am what you do not see. Every strong action of my own is of a path that I did not create. And most of the time I feel tall among men; some of the time, well that's only some of the time. I am guarded and disagree with everyone who believes that doing so is an awful idea. Reasons. There are reasons. I am a person silenced by doubt, fatigue and bitterness. I should not have to feel the sweet graze of history and feel horror. Also, should I not be shamed into telling stories and answering questions. That business is my own.

Why do people always want to know?

I am a strong person. A lovely person.
I disagree with your usage of my belongings. Of my charity.
I disagree with your anger.
You are only bitter and annoyed because you did not want me to see.

Look to your left.
Look to your left.
Look to your left again.
Look to your fucking left.

Icy. I.Sea. I see.

I push people away for a reason.

I am a person of great inquiry. A person with immense intuition. So vast an abundance of foretelling, I have become the optimistic pessimist.
Just like the last, I saw. I knew. I knew it. I knew what was going on, what would happen.
What did you do? What did you feel? What did you think when you realised I knew? Know.

I am an extremely grateful person. Filled with love. Filled with good intentions.

Lux. Meaning "enlightened." Meaning "light."
I haven't heard a name as good as yours before. You fit so well. You fit so well.
Give me time to explain.
Being lifted, understanding how and who I am. Being breached of persuasions and manipulations, I have become myself. Who myself is, is for me to decide. I have given myself the abundant power to create my own person. The person who I am meant to be, and in all mannerism, will best provide for myself. A thunder of resilience. Abridged by humanity and its creation for so long, freedom is only a letter away.

Step back. Let us look at another.

Stop lying to me. Please.

Continue on...

As I was saying, I have become a bit of a... defense. I have become open to those who wait and impatient to those who cannot. I am blatant and confused, and I frankly will still not settle.

I aim for the best.



Thursday, August 18, 2011

That would be lovely.

I really have nothing fantastic to say. Nothing extravagant, at least. Or rather, nothing that would seem out of the ordinary to any ordinary person.

But honestly, my life is glorious.
The past few weeks have been relieving. Beautiful. Fulfilling.

Oh my God. A weight has been lifted.

Have you ever had one moment in your life that completely 180'd everything? Holy shit.
Words are not enough to describe how great I feel.
And I've actually been eating! You see, I physically cannot eat when I am stressed. I uncontrollably turn into a bitter anorexic girl who stares at food. Today, I had a cookie, a large frozen yogurt (nomz on Culture Shock), a latte (nomz on Gimme), two wraps (nomz on GreenStar), a muffin and a sandwich... and maybe more? That's amazing compared to how I've been.

It's just brilliant seeing myself happy.

I've been surrounding myself with amazing people. Old friends and new.
Talk about the new people that I've met. Jesus Christ. These people are awesome.
I think to myself, "Where were these people all along?" And then, I remember how they came around at a perfect time. Even the people who do not seem like they should be significant in my life, they are.

I love everyone.

And I am really enjoying going out and doing things by myself. I used to hate doing that.

I saw a movie today by myself for the first time. I saw "The Trip." It's about two comedians who play themselves and go on a road trip together. They go to restaurants and judge the food, at the same time as being bloody hilarious. Jesus. They are so brilliant. Their relationship kind of reminds me of one of my friendships. I highly recommend this film. It's a British comedy, so I'm sure that it will serve to only a specific taste (haters...), but oh gosh, everyone should see it. Anyone in the Ithaca area, it's playing at Cinemapolis.
Seeing this movie also reminded me of how good life is with the little things. What means the most. And it taught me how to laugh by myself whilst watching a movie. Strangely, I do not believe that I have ever done that before.

Over the past few weeks, I feel as if I've found myself. You see, right after school finished, I came to a conclusion that I had no idea who I was. I knew how I felt and how I acted, but I just didn't know my actual identity. With various things that have happened, though, after the past month, I clearly am on track. I really enjoy being back to my normal self. I just let things go with the flow. I don't allow too much to get to myself. I just want to live. I only wish to live.

From awesome parties full of nerdy talk to just studying for countless numbers of hours each day in different cafes and such, wow.
I am in love with who I am right now.

And right now, I'm trying to figure out what I want to do.
Get a job and stay in Ithaca? Stay with someone somewhere else, get a job, and move to someplace completely random where I know almost no one? Try to snag an internship far away? Go to school next fall?
Oh God, and I want to see your face again soon.
Should I go to school for journalism first and maybe have two college careers? Or should I major in psychology and minor in journalism at the same time? Eegadz. Too much going on and I like it. I like it all.
Oh God, and I want to see your face again soon.
I guess whatever happens, happens.

I have one specific idea on my mind, though, that I would enjoy greatly if it just happened somehow. In the universe, that this one thing would work out and make my life special and things. Life is special in general, of course. Life is awesome... but just sayin', this stars-in-the-sky action would make me feel super good.
Oh God, that oh-my-rah-adorable.

You ignore me for a day, and then expect me to be chipper and hang around?
Kbaino. Assholes get nothing.

And I wish that you'd just be normal, but I guess that this is you being normal. I just hadn't seen it until the end.

I'm kind of worried that I'll end up going back to how I was for almost two years. Though, I then remember how fun my life was and how full life was for myself, and I get very chipper.
I just want one thing to happen soon, and then have a million other great things fall into place.

That would be lovely.

Honestly, I can say it a thousand times, and a thousand times more. I just feel so good about life. I feel so complete, even though I need to get a lot of different things done. I just, wow. Just wow.

I wish that people would have thought provoking/nerdy/geeky conversations with me more.

I'm never interested in the same type of talk again and again.
Small talk.
Unless, of course, there is no other talk for a special situation other than small talk.
But the people who continuously say the same boring shit...does anyone else have this problem?

Lately I've been having FAR more random people talking to me. I don't know if this is because I'm generally more happy now, and therefore more approachable, or if it's because I've been hanging out with myself often. Whatever it is, I like and dislike it. I suppose that it depends on the person and what he/she has to say. For example, today, I got asked by some random wannabe hippies if what was on my face were a labret or ice cream. Why? I have no idea.

Right now, I'm singing to Sia and just having a great night of doing nothing, besides enjoying myself.

I really enjoy life.

Now I am just hoping that I pass my boards exam and get my license.

That would be lovely.

And if more rights would just fall into my life.

That would be lovely.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

And I know that it's not just you.

Part I:

This is an account of my past, present and [possibly] future thoughts, feelings and emotions about my own life. How I feel about events, people and the way that we react.

Certain areas of this blog may indeed hurt certain feelings, but I promise that the angst is gone. I must only jot the words down so that I can remember my own emotion.

And how I am okay with it all in the end.

Is this how you treat your friends?

I just remembered about how one of my old co-workers shaved her head in my honour after I left. She's so sweet. She has been through so much. Seems so fearful. I hope that she obtains the life that she deserves, completely.

I've lost fourteen pounds in two months with anorexia! Call to set up your appointment for consultation today and learn how you can lose too!
You know, I really do not enjoy losing weight to a continuous stressful, sinking feeling. On the other hand, though, it's nice to be back to my normal self.

"Because it has to be so lonely to be the only one that's holy."

I wrote a very important letter and he didn't even read it. He promised. He promised a lot of things, though.
"If I could make the same mistake again, I wouldn't change a single thing my friend. Turning back the time will do no good, I'd do it all again if I could."
I just don't understand. How can best friends become so detached?
A part of me is saying that I liked you more when I didn't know you well at all.
Another part of me is hoping that you will understand and actually be my best friend again.
I just cannot get over the concept that he didn't read my letter, though. He didn't even try. That hurts. That was quite possibly the most positive letter, too. I'm broken because I didn't want things to get this way. I'm broken because I watched myself fall from him as he didn't care.
And my fall from grace is a continuum.
I do not believe that he has cared in a long time, though.
It's this thing that I have. A pretty face. Once that is obtained, why try?
I just want someone without the mentality of seeing me as something to bring around. Something to keep company. I make people feel alive and new, because I guess that is just what happens (and for some reason, they then become depressed, want to kill themselves and/or take time off of whatever important thing that they are doing at the time; but really, it's not like I mean it). Then, I either do not feel fitting to them, or I do. Wanting to be with the person, or not. Either way, I tend to end up being avoided and alienated. Disrespected.
For once, I want to be romanced. I don't want to feel like a blow-up doll.
And I wonder if there are any other girls who feel that way. Like intimacy does not even exist. I don't want to feel like I'm in a Frat house every time I want that connection. Life gets boring.
Jesus Christ. To me, forms of writing are so very important. Who would not read a letter?! Especially after a break-up. That pissed me off incredibly. That made me take back the entire last chunk of my writing.

It was my decision. It still bothers me that he just shows no emotion.
In my point of view, it's like he wants nothing. No one. Just vacancy. Or to be disloyal and unfaithful.
That breach of trust just can never be gained back. At least not soon.
And I tried. I tried so hard. For months. There is just nothing left for me to give.

And I see this all of the time. And it pisses me off. Women who would do anything for the boy that she is with. He does something bloody ridiculous, and we are supposed to look over every harsh action. They are "mistakes." We all make mistakes, yes, but there is another person's love involved. Not to mention the amount of self worth that plummets downward.

"Here comes the sadness that I miss so much, that lonely aching comes from every touch. I've grown accustomed to the greys and blacks, because they're always coming back."

A part of me a little while ago felt as this entire relationship try was a waste of time. A bad idea. A mistake in its own. But it's not. I have grown as a person. I have changed my life. Everything is beautiful. And hopefully all of my friendships will thrive, especially the one that seems ruined now.

And I am honestly okay right now. I am actually far more than okay. I have been living a beautiful life for the past week and a half. I don't have to be the only person who tries anymore. I gave up and chose happiness.
"Pain is a signal that you must change something in your life."
This is what I need right now, because otherwise, I'm going simply mad.
I just wanted things to go back to normal. Instead, I was ignored and forgotten. There's this thing called "absolute bullshit" and it is marked in all over your face.

I feel beautiful and wanted now. Liberating, yeah. I have decided to flood myself with good people. The people who have been good to me, even despite some minor mishaps.

My cat Rocky died a few weeks ago. I miss him incredibly. His silly, scratchy meows. His super soft fur being smushed into my face because he headbutts me. Being randomly woken up because a large cat has just jumped onto my legs to cuddle, or is nibbling on my ears at four in the morning for me to get him food. It's like all of my little things have been shut down. I've had him since I was six.
And my mother got two kittens the other day. This makes me happy and furious at the same time. I love the fact that I get to see new life and new minds. I am aggravated that my cat was directly replaced. The most important being to myself. I believe that is disgusting. There are kittens here for all of the wrong reasons. As future "show cats" (UGH), as a replacement, to fill a "void."
A place in my heart is still filled.

But with my little Rocky passing, I found myself with a whole line-up of revelations. So many aspects of my life. So much that I deserve. So much that I need.

I'm okay with things not going the way that I plan.

I have so much to talk about, but it's six in the morning and I haven't slept yet. My insomnia has been skyrocket lately. Maybe I'll post something else in a few days or weeks.

No grudges. No lies. No aching. Just, life.

"This song will become the anthem of your underground. You're two floors down getting high in the back room. If I flooded out your house do you think you'd make it out? Or would you burn up before the water filled your lungs? And at your funeral I will sing the requiem."

Sunday, January 30, 2011

"F" is for "Furious."

I thought that I graduated from high school a while ago. And even then, am I strange to believe that human beings should be competent enough even whilst being in high school to not act like a three year old child?

No, I didn't "hook up" with your ex-boyfriend while he was still with you. I'm not into that.
No, I didn't "hook up" with your ex-boyfriend while, nor after he was with you. I have no interest in him. Especially not now.

I have seriously thought about every single person who I have met within the past year, or so. Saying that I am disgusted by about 70% of them is very easy for myself.
You can go ahead and fuck yourself, since no one else will.

Fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you too.

I really do not comprehend this targeting process that people have always had with me.
I will do practically anything for practically anyone. I guess that that act just isn't fucking good enough.

You're a douchebag because you said that he had no right to talk about shit that he didn't actually know. That he thought that he knew everything, but he didn't, and that he shouldn't feel as if he does, nor did know anything about any relationship of mine. You're an asshole because you went on to a person's ex-girlfriend and decided to talk shit about me, though you know absolutely nothing.
And I knew it. I knew it all along. You are just like any other girl. A piece of shit, rumour hungry, bullshitting fuckface who feeds off of drama and doesn't just let live. "Drama." What a stupid word. I suppose that the form does coincide with the people associated, though. In simple terms, I think that you are stupid.

And to the girl who this specific douchebag ruined the day of, I am sorry. I never talked to her about anything, except for our own little circle with some other loser who she still obsesses over. Never would I wish for that act to happen to anyone who is still in pain from any kind of relationship loss. Strangely though, you seem very friendly with each other now. Maybe a mutual jealousy? Who the fuck knows.

Interesting. I wonder what else was said.

I don't understand how you could have thought that I wouldn't find out.
Don't do that pretend bullshit.
We aren't playing house.

I just cannot understand the douchebaggery that is going on. That has gone on. I suppose that everything will fall.

I am really glad that I haven't gotten myself into any actual relationship for the past year and practically a half.
I am in constant worry that there is someone so much better out there.
Constant worry of not choosing someone right.
And I am so young, I understand.
I may not have to worry, but I do.
I just don't want to end up with a loser.
Though, it seems like the only people who are around, who have interest in me, and show that interest, just end up being lame.
But maybe that is because I am picky as fuck.

Maybe I should just run.
Inspired to live.
Inspired to give in to the itch. The itch of just leaving, and never telling anyone where I'm going.
Where I'll end up.
No plans ever.
No plans with anyone.
Because I end up hating everyone.

I make friends and have boys at my feet easily, yet I am never satisfied, because they will all always let me down. At least one mannerism, or another. At least one time.

And I cannot explain to you enough how much I hate my inability to have trust in anything.

I want one person, I don't care the relation, to just come into my life, and be amazing.

No rumours.
No ridiculous lies.
No water left in dishes.
No unhealthy dietary habits.
No horrible tastes.

And now I am just rambling.
I just have so much on my mind right now.

I suppose, though, that my inability to trust comes well with human beings. They are so easily untrustworthy. Including myself.

You have been so wrong to me.
So many of you.
I'm not exactly the best person to piss off.

I've really only ever had myself, and apparently, that continues.
I'm okay with it.
I'm not okay that practically everyone I have known does not think that I can even hold my own.
It's all I've ever known to do, and people don't even think that I can do that.
I'm not dating you because I don't want to, not that I don't want to get "hurt."
I'm not a pussy.
I don't need someone to "take care" of me.
No one does.

I just want out.

So, anything that you think of me. Anything that you've probably heard. All of that is, simply put, bullshit.

And you're probably bullshit too.